dude i'm inner monologue high
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
