im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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