Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize