so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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