These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize