i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
