It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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