god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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