I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
