Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize