Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
