Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
