Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
