my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
