i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
