the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
