Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
