Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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