your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize