i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
this boner is exhausting
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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