this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
