I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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