Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
