drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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