in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
