This is not my ceiling
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
