3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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