Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
