i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
