Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk is a universal language darling
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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