im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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