maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
