Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
