i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
