I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize