help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
