Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What a fucking waste of an outfit
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You made out with two different species that night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I supernannyed him into submission
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