I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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