I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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