I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
