I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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