my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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