Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
