I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
