Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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