we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
