I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
