dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
