I think I am morally bankrupt
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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