She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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