I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
