so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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