Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize