I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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