I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
