I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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