My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
