So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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