I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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