Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
