cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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