You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
