If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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