Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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