Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
