bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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