sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
