The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
