I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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