If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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