So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
