what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Found your dick twin last night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize